29 days

Noticed my breastmilk’s dwindling for the past week. Just before that, for a couple of days, I managed to pump up to 2 ounces in one sitting. I’m not really sure what happened.

I’m not proud of it but i have to admit that despite my gungho-ness to breastfeed exclusively, i’ve started to lose the determination to continue till 6 months. The 24/7 demand, the exhaustion, the limited mobility is wearing me down. And i feel guilty about this, my selfishness. Of course i want to give the best to her.

Probably my milk supply is going down because unconsciously, im willing it to? Sigh, part of me loves the bonding experience, the look of contentment and adoration on her face every time i nurse her. Another part of me wishes (especially when i havent slept more than 2 hours that night) that it isnt that time consuming, wish i have at least 30 minutes to nap, shower or eat properly. I know, taking care of a baby isnt easy and is supposed to be a full time job. But what concerns me right now are her eating and sleeping patterns.

Since the start, i’ve been feeding her on demand, every time she cried i’ll check and if she’s hungry, i’ll give her my boobs. Her feeding times aren’t fixed; sometimes she’d feed every hour, sometimes every 2 or 3 hours. Nurse told me cos she’s a bigger baby so she’s eating more. If you’ve nursed a baby every hour, you’d know that if you start at 5pm and fed for 30 minutes, you’d have to feed again at 6pm. That’s how fast breastmilk is digested.

As i’m a noob at this, sometimes i get confused and cant distinguish (still cant really) her different cries. If her diaper is clean, she’s not too cold/warm, she’s been burped, i’d feed her. I might be feeding her when in actual fact, she’s sleepy/tired/overstimulated/has a tummy ache. I’m afraid im setting her up to be a snacker, a comfort eater, to be dependent on me and my breast to soothe. Most days i’d have to struggle to get her to nap cos (again) i’m worried she’s not napping enough. What more, every time she comfort feeds and goes to sleep, i’d wonder if she’s had enough to eat. The last part is unnecessary on my part as she poops and urinates regularly and seems to be gaining weight. I’m just an anxious worry wart, i know.

Now she’s grown to expect to suckle on my breast to go to sleep. I read online, some people say it’s fine but they dont really address the issue at hand – what happens when i get back to work? Obviously i cant leave my breast behind. I’v been trying to get her used to the pacifier to soothe herself but she only takes it once in a while. Giving her my boobs is he easy way out.

K, i think i’m rambling here. The point is, to me, if i give her formula or bottled breastmilk, she wouldnt be that dependent on my boobs. Secondly, i’d know exctly hw much she’s eaten and prevent snacking/comfort eating. Third, she wouldnt need to struggle at getting the milk sometimes as i suspect the flow isnt fast enough for her. That’s what i think although i may be wrong.

Nevertheless, i’m still torn and besieged with guilt and doubt. I dont want to resent my baby. I dont want to spend all my time pumping breastmilk instead of spending it with her and doing things that make me feel human. I dont want to worry about supply and flow speed.
Breastfeeding is hardwork. Breastmilk is also the best for baby because it has all the nutrients she needs that formula cant provide (on that note, i grew up on formula and came out alright but it comes back to giving her the best i can). Every mother i know breastfed, some for years, so i guess it’s also peer pressure.

I dont know, i’m still trying to get her to sleep properly and early at night. So i asked Pete to buy formula (Anmum) to try out. Im just going to feed her once, before sleeptime so hopefully she’ll fall asleep quicker and better. Then we’ll see how. Another month till i start work :s


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